as they say " in it " .....

As the last few weeks or the last month really I have been feeling progressivly worse about alot of things and its just coming to a climax or what seems like one right now , so i'm gonna write it all out and then be done with it . I feel as if I'm the old borning saying that I'm standing on the edge . I'm stressin about Christmass like everyone else but that;s not the problem , Christmass seems like it just as well may be a 1000 years away , its my life in general that I think is just grinding me out latey.

For one the months of working in 4 different stores and working both nights and days has had a worse effect on me then I am letting on , even thought its over now I am still feeling the effects as I really don't know when to sleep and when to be awake and I feel like i;m in some kind of bubble , really days pass and It seems like there is no dividing point between them , no monday , no friday just a random movement of light outside and dark .

Also it was a mistake to go back on nights and I know that now , I can't deal with the overnite shift really and never could , I seem to not be able to sustain the realtionships that I need to surivie when all I do is eat and sleep and work . I don;t know that last time I did anything with my girlfriend and I really miss that grounding effect that she has on me . I feel the absence of the love that we share because most of the time I am truly not there , its no fault of hers , its just that I am burned out to the core .

Then theres the other things that have been falling apart around me that are just killing me , my car is falling apart and my physical health is failing in some ways that I have been finding displeasing to say the least .

I feel that old darkness that I fed on in my early 20's , that I used to get by then is all around me again .. I feel it and sometimes it scares me the most that it is kinda comforting , but I know the path that it leads down and I do not want to go that way again , I don't want it and I am trying to refuse to feed on it cause I know that it will only attract more darkness . I truly feel like i;m walking a line that if I fall to the other side I could lose all the good things within myself for good . Its so scary in this postion I feel like running but I know that doesn;t do any good either . I'm divided at best on the issue .

Plus theres the facts of the matter that I really can;t deal with the things that some people say about me behind my back (this is an issue that has been on my mind for a while ) wither they say them out of anger or jealosy or whatever , I just don;t know , It hurts ... maybe things would be better if I could let them go

as for all this there is some good left in my life to hold on to , even though i feel so dissconnted right now , I know things will change , I hope verena will be there when I do come back to life . I am starting to be more creative everyday and getting more done in these dept's , maybe all this rambling is just hiding the real issue , do I continue do these things that I hate just for a pay check or do I embrace the creative aspects of my life that make me so happy , this may seem like an easy choice but it really isn;t cause the feelings of doing these things I hate fufill tasks ( read making money) that I feel responsiable to do , I guess its just the english way ( to quote roger waters in a way ) , an example of this is ....

On Sunday I was feeling just bad in general and I went in to the recording room and recorded two of my own songs and a cover of twillight by elliot smith , I came out a 7 in the morning and I fealt great and today after one day of work , I am here when I should be sleeping , confessing all this stuff cause I just need to get in out ,,


I guess I have alot of thinking to do and a few hard choices to make

love always
Bob