Try as you might ...

well what a day indeed !!!

Just another normal day then it all falls apart . Man why do people find the need to put pressure on me . I'm so angry right now that I don't even know how to get it out . I know I should not let this crap get to me but it does. I feel like I wanna scream . I will not under any circumstance narc on others or be mean spirited towards them . This is my line in the sand . I know I have been in the past and I hope that those people can find it in there hearts to forgive and hopefully forget the things that I have said or done to them . I was stupid and childish but God knows I'm trying to be better and its a struggle but I will not sell out my ideals or the way I was raised for a fucking paycheck . I'd rather be poor . Some people might say "oh well , I have to do this , or that " , whatever if that helps you sleep at night , that's o.k. . For me its not even a question , I'm not saving lives or anything . I had someone say to me months ago that everyone has a price , well guess what - I don't , I repeat I don't . I would not be able to live with myself if the only way I could get my kicks was by hurting others or by putting money on that high a pedestal that it overid the feeling and hearts of others or myself . I think in the old days they called people like that idolaters and its a moral sin .

Now don't get me wrong I like a good days work but the only person that I am trying to beat or better is myself , not the guy next to me , not the person down the hall , not the clock , - I'm trying to be a better person and like I said its a struggle . I guess if they don't like , oh well .
It just all doesn't smell right to me . My parents raised me with these ideals and even though for a long time I was lost out there , I find myself trying to claw my way back to them and with Verena's help , I am coming back to that place . Its a good place to be and to that certain person who said all this to me , I'm not mad at you , I'm more mad at myself for even letting those words of yours pass thru my ears . To tell the truth , I feel sorry for you . Your a sad little man , I guess that's what happens when you commerce is your only friend . Hope it keeps you warm at night.

cheers
Robert

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